Once upon in Pemberly;

I've been pushing myself not to read novels this month, but today I am dying to read them despite the fact I have tons of deadlines this week. I am dying to escape this shitty reality. -num

And all of a sudden i felt really tired. Like the world had drained me for everything i had. You know, there are times where you're not particularly sad, but just, empty. And not knowing how to respond to all the loves people are giving to you. Or worse, you push them all away, it's nothing personal, but you are too numb to explain. And that's the irony. -num

11.1.2021 When was the last time I feel genuinely happy? Probably when I bought that complete series book of my wish list from last year. Indeed, it was quite a while now, 2 months ago.. I guess. Adult world is just so devastatingly weird. The only thing that mostly a barrier for me to describe my feelings as a kid probably my lack of vocabularies. Now, sadly, as a grownup , I still find it hard to acknowledge what my heart really feels at times, not having to mention how rich I think my vocabularies now comparing to my younger self. I didn’t know describing how exactly I feel at the moment would be as hard. As if no words could ever fit my emotional state. I know there is at least one word out there, somewhere, and I just haven't found it yet, but, yeah, safe to say so. Whether I feel numb or blasted with overwhelming feelings at the same time, I cannot tell. How the world drowns me in, I am sunken to the bottom of my chaotic mind thus no light can ever lift me up. Anxieties hit m...

Kepalaku terasa berat. Mata ini mulai sayup. Aku harus tidur, aku butuh tidur. Namun perasaan sendu ini membuatku terjaga. Aku merindukan hal yang tak pasti. Lagi-lagi kamu. Baiklah. Kuizinkan kau disini hingga aku terlelap. -num

Aku ingin pulang. Kumohon, hujan yang deras. Lalu teh ini akan semakin terasa hangatnya. Lalu letihku akan luruh bersama derasnya hujan. -num

Tempat ini bising. Macam-macam orang dengan berbagai keluhan. Aku memperhatikan sekelilingku dengan seksama, memasang telinga, kalau-kalau namaku dipanggil. Mendadak empatiku meledak. Aku harap mereka lekas sembuh. Itu saja. -num

15 menit berlalu. Aku masih menatapi gelas di hadapanku. Apa gelas ini setengah penuh?  atau setengah kosong? Lagi, aku larut dalam pikiranku. ada kalanya aku tersesat dalam kepalaku sendiri. Seperti berada di tengah labirin raksasa. Aku kenal diriku, namun juga merasa asing dengan diriku sendiri. -num 3.6.21