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sore

11.1.2021

When was the last time I feel genuinely happy?

Probably when I bought that complete series book of my wish list from last year.

Indeed, it was quite a while now, 2 months ago.. I guess.

Adult world is just so devastatingly weird. The only thing that mostly a barrier for me to describe my feelings as a kid probably my lack of vocabularies. Now, sadly, as a grownup , I still find it hard to acknowledge what my heart really feels at times, not having to mention how rich I think my vocabularies now comparing to my younger self.

I didn’t know describing how exactly I feel at the moment would be as hard. As if no words could ever fit my emotional state. I know there is at least one word out there, somewhere, and I just haven't found it yet, but, yeah, safe to say so.

Whether I feel numb or blasted with overwhelming feelings at the same time, I cannot tell. How the world drowns me in, I am sunken to the bottom of my chaotic mind thus no light can ever lift me up. Anxieties hit me hard. Those empty gaze at the ceiling on the deepest night, I should stop doubting my whole existence.

I guess 3 a.m. was never meant for a happy soul. Sobbing at the corner of my room, seems like those pillows are the only things that can truly understand my griefs. When the morning comes, I'm undercover. Hence why people mistaken me as a happy soul living her best life, but no. Either extraverted or introverted. Sanguine or Melancholic. We are all struggling. Some nights, everything just.. Hit different. Harder.. I keep falling deeper.

No other person can broke my heart the way I did.

Still, the pain remain unseen waiting for the right moment, another dusk another dawn to load me up with indescribable emotions. Though you might never see the pain on the surface. Eyes can speak those unsaid words, yes they do.

All I can think is, to finish whatever the hell I'm dealing with right now, so that I can escape to another place. A place I can barely recognize the language, or anybody, with the sea beneath my feet and rainy afternoon welcoming me as the day starts to fade away into eternal night. As soon as this all over.

Can i?

Life sucks I have to say. But this shitty life won't last forever. Please tell me this ain't a false hope.

I should definitely take a rest now.

-num

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