Once upon in Pemberly;

  24 Juni 2021; -seminar proposal- Imperfection makes the muse. Whatever happened today, you know it very well how hard you tried to give your best. All those nightmares, anxieties, and panick attacks that had been haunting you day after day before you finally face the storm, now you can smile proudly and wave a little toward them. Even if nobody is gonna tell you that they're proud of what you've achieved today, i will. I will always be proud of you. Cause at the end of the day i'll rub my back, telling myself everything is going to be okay. It's still a long way to go, but tonight please rest your heavy shoulder, may you sleep well and the nightmares won't chase you. You did good, you did well. And i am so proud of you. -with love, num.

"Be happy, be positive, don't cry" This is such a hypocrite statement u know? If you wanna be sad then just be sad, don't try to look happy when you're down cause wallahi it's way more toxic for your self. I feel like people normalize saying be happy when someone is really down.  well thank u for those words,  but instead of saying those, it would be lovely to say things like:  'you can cry if u want, cause it's okay to not be okay, we're human, we feel emotions, it's normal to feel this up and down in life, you're not alone, this will struggle u a lot, but i believe you will overcome this.' -num.  

S taying up all night to read a good book is the best feeling ever,  but that shitty feeling when you reach the finish line of the book cause you know you'll have to deal with real world again. -num

  The truth is I hate way too many things in life, even myself, sometimes. There are people I hate obviously, most of them are the ones I can’t forgive. There’s one quote telling that we can only hate something we used to love. Ridiculously, in other words to hate a lot means to love a lot. I found it relatable but only in some specific cases. I don’t know if you can relate. But, in the end the hatred I carry in my heart only weigh me down at night. Just like Sophie said; heart is already a heavy burden itself, and with so much hatred, imagine how exhausting it would be for me to carry. So somehow, I end up trying to let go of the hatred ‘slowly’ by ‘gaining’ more things to love, mostly the things I can never be let down by. Mr. Darcy, for example, well I have a list if you're willing to see. Anyway, I am no saint, it’s not easy, you know, but loving or ignoring seem to be the best options I can choose to continue living in this miserable place. Still, I don’t want to sugarcoat my ...

  it's crazy how a beautiful day could turn to hell in just 10 minutes. another worst day i had to go through, with too much traumas and abuse. being constantly told to kill yourself in that short 10 minutes when you were already at your lowest, at point where you could see your hanging body on ceiling almost every fucking night, whenever things got out of control. how do you think i was supposed to feel? beyond words. my anger burnt like hell that i thought it's better to let demon possess me and kill whatever stood in front of me. unfair. life is a fucking unfair bitch. strangely, in the midst of bursting anger, i found so many reasons to live. i didn't want to kill myself, i wanted to be alive to see him being vulnerable, and i will stand there laughing at him in the most evil way.  thought the bastard has left the family. i forgot about another bastard living in this family. i should have never forgiven him years ago. what in a world did i do to deserve this? they said ...

  but no one really knows what you're going through until you broke down in tears and end up telling them all the details you've been keeping to yourself. i did that. and i regret it. i regret that one time telling my mom that i had appointments with psychologist. with no intention at all, that day was just chaotic, too much pain i couldn't bare, and it was the moment secrets most likely be exposed. i love my mom, that's why i didn't tell her in the first place. it was enough pain for me, for her. she didn't deserve any more worries to carry. but at some points, maybe, i just wanted to be heard. all the voices i've been keeping to myself  flowed in the most vulnerable way. it broke my heart when i saw her eyes. The stare that i had been avoiding.  ini bukan salah mama. bagaimana mungkin ini salah mama? kita pantas bahagia. kita berhak bahagia, ma. -num

  tell me where do i go when i don't understand a single thing in life? how to stop covering my scars by making jokes every time they ask how is my life going on.  how to stop pushing people away when i refuse to open up about my grief.  tell me what should i do, when i have tons of ambitions to accomplish goals but at the same time, zero motivation to move forward what if i'll never get over my depression and keep forgetting my dreams day by day what if this pain only get worse as the time goes and at the end, i lose myself. nowhere near the future all the numbness and emptiness will find their way back. but deep down, i know i want to stop this. but deep down i know i need to get over this. -num