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dear, ma

 



but no one really knows what you're going through
until you broke down in tears and end up telling them
all the details you've been keeping to yourself.

i did that.
and i regret it.

i regret that one time telling my mom that i had appointments with psychologist.
with no intention at all, that day was just chaotic, too much pain i couldn't bare,
and it was the moment secrets most likely be exposed.

i love my mom, that's why i didn't tell her in the first place.
it was enough pain for me, for her.
she didn't deserve any more worries to carry.

but at some points, maybe, i just wanted to be heard.
all the voices i've been keeping to myself  flowed in the most vulnerable way.
it broke my heart when i saw her eyes. The stare that i had been avoiding. 

ini bukan salah mama. bagaimana mungkin ini salah mama?

kita pantas bahagia.
kita berhak bahagia, ma.

-num




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