Once upon in Pemberly;

  You're the sweetness that tastes bitter, You're the dark chocolate, I consume regularly the unrequited love I was convinced to hold with these bleeding hands. But look how I've come so far it'll be okay now I have let go. I have let go. You were the dark chocolate, I cut the addiction, It'll be okay now. I have let go. -num

  Womom, 18 April 2022 Laut memelukku bagai teman lama yang pulang ke rumah. Langit biru menghibur jiwa yang lelah di tempat segala hiruk pikuk perkotaan bermuara. Bulan berbisik pada angin, menyapu risau yang tak kunjung reda "kau akan baik-baik saja, temanku" Tenang. Hatiku damai. Aku harus kembali. Aku harus kembali ke tempat ini. Suatu hari nanti, Kita harus berjumpa lagi. Dan ketika hari itu tiba, seperti saat pertama jumpa, peluklah aku bagai kawan yang bepergian jauh dan akhirnya menemukan jalan pulang.  Aku akan merindukanmu. -num

  someday i will leave this all behind, someday this will all be stories. i know i won't forget, but that's the art of moving on. even if the memories stay, burned in the back of my mind, i still put efforts to live the life ahead. That's courage. even when it feels like i was given no choice but to keep moving on, That's courage. right? -num

  24 Juni 2021; -seminar proposal- Imperfection makes the muse. Whatever happened today, you know it very well how hard you tried to give your best. All those nightmares, anxieties, and panick attacks that had been haunting you day after day before you finally face the storm, now you can smile proudly and wave a little toward them. Even if nobody is gonna tell you that they're proud of what you've achieved today, i will. I will always be proud of you. Cause at the end of the day i'll rub my back, telling myself everything is going to be okay. It's still a long way to go, but tonight please rest your heavy shoulder, may you sleep well and the nightmares won't chase you. You did good, you did well. And i am so proud of you. -with love, num.

"Be happy, be positive, don't cry" This is such a hypocrite statement u know? If you wanna be sad then just be sad, don't try to look happy when you're down cause wallahi it's way more toxic for your self. I feel like people normalize saying be happy when someone is really down.  well thank u for those words,  but instead of saying those, it would be lovely to say things like:  'you can cry if u want, cause it's okay to not be okay, we're human, we feel emotions, it's normal to feel this up and down in life, you're not alone, this will struggle u a lot, but i believe you will overcome this.' -num.  

S taying up all night to read a good book is the best feeling ever,  but that shitty feeling when you reach the finish line of the book cause you know you'll have to deal with real world again. -num

  The truth is I hate way too many things in life, even myself, sometimes. There are people I hate obviously, most of them are the ones I can’t forgive. There’s one quote telling that we can only hate something we used to love. Ridiculously, in other words to hate a lot means to love a lot. I found it relatable but only in some specific cases. I don’t know if you can relate. But, in the end the hatred I carry in my heart only weigh me down at night. Just like Sophie said; heart is already a heavy burden itself, and with so much hatred, imagine how exhausting it would be for me to carry. So somehow, I end up trying to let go of the hatred ‘slowly’ by ‘gaining’ more things to love, mostly the things I can never be let down by. Mr. Darcy, for example, well I have a list if you're willing to see. Anyway, I am no saint, it’s not easy, you know, but loving or ignoring seem to be the best options I can choose to continue living in this miserable place. Still, I don’t want to sugarcoat my ...