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the women were too stunned to speak

 

I used to talk so openly, about me planning on getting married in future, both with my mama and sister. But then things happened and i guess it changes my perspective a lot.

After i talked to my mama deeply about what bothered me about the idea of 'marriage' and i didn't have any courage to risk my whole life being in such relationship, although she didn't say anything i knew that she was sad, because surely she just wanted to see me having a normal life, meet a partner, get married, and ease the past pain. But it's not that simple, right? 

On the other side, i think she's kind of cool about me not thinking of marriage at all. Because she knows very well the trauma a woman can bear in these kind of circumstances. And even if i end up not getting married, it's my choice. I'm that kind of person even my mom can never be able to force to do something if i don't want to. Maybe that's one of the reasons she doesn't really complain about me being so stubborn with my ideas.

Anyway, a couple days ago, i made a joke about marriage to my mama and sister by saying:

"Ya kalo nanti nikahan, mau private party aja, ngapain ngundang orang banyak-banyak, entar jadi kurang intimate acaranya karena tamu undangan fokusnya terbagi."

Goodness. Both of them were too stunned to speak. Like- omg, i felt really bad making jokes about this, they smiled so brightly as if i had changed my mind and i just couldn't finish the joke by saying

"Becanda lho." Cause it would truly break their heart at that moment, so i ended up laughing nervously, saying 

"Aduh belum ngerjain weekly report lagi" and i fleed away. Leaving them in silence. 

Gosh. That was a super stupid joke. 

I know they would never force me to do things, but it bothers me when this kind of jokes can get their hope so high even when they don't say it out loud.

But it's relieving that they try to respect my idea, and telling me good things about 'putting myself first' over anything i want to do near in the future.

lol, that was a horrible joke, but honestly i choked with silent laughter in my bedroom after fleed from them that night.


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